Introduction to Family Retreats

Family Check In’s

Bigger and Better

Family Examination of the Day:

(Do this at the end of each day)

1. Preparation: Light a candle or do something to remind each other of God’s presence “with and among us”.

2.  Invitation: Psalm 121: A song for pilgrims ascending to Jerusalem.

Together

1. I look up to the mountains — does my help come from there?

• Starting with father and rotating to the right, read 1 verse each:

Together

8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

• Alternate Blessing: Sing Doxology

Grieving as a Family

Lamenting at the Beach

Step 1 Introduction

Parent or Teen, read the following:

In our lives as cross cultural workers we feel and experience loss. Loss of safety, loss of relationships, loss of homes, loss of access to grandparents and “normal” kid or teen experiences. In fact, there are so many losses we experience during this journey. Today we are going to create space to come face to face with our losses. In each step of this activity remember these things;

• Go at your own pace, you can do this together as a family or separately and debrief later.
• It is not a race to be done first or last, allow time to open to the Lord and process with Him along the way.
• Take time to use our senses to engage with our losses and grief. 
• Take time to continue conversations with the Lord and each member of your family.

One of the parents prays for this time of grieving our losses.

A parent read the following:

In a moment we are all going to walk to a separate place where you can be comfortable for a few minutes. Once settled, take a few moments to look out at the sea. Breathe in deeply. Ask Jesus to be with you as we take time to think about all the things we have lost. You may want to have a piece of paper or a notebook to write or draw some of the following prompts. For this first part, you have two questions to think about.

• First, how am I feeling about engaging with my losses?
• Second, what are some of the losses I have experienced? Feel free to write these down or draw something that represents each of them. 

Once everyone is done choose a place or a person to meet back up with. Be sure to wait until everyone is together to go to step two. 

Step 2: A Lament

A parent read the following (make sure both parents are participating):

One positive way to deal with the hard things that go on in our lives is to create a “lament.” A lament is a way of expressing our pain to God when we feel bad. It might be done in words, in music, in dance or any other form of creative expression. A lament helps us expose all the stuff that we have tried to hide and share it with God. This is a good way to start telling your story and releasing painful memories. As it becomes more comfortable for you, share it privately with God. Creating a lament can lead to sharing your story with another person when you are ready. Today you will have a chance to choose objects that represent your losses and try giving them to God. Here is an example of David’s Laments. 

A parent or child/teen read the following:

• What kind of words is David using in this lament?
• What emotions might he be feeling as he tells God his sorrows?
• As you consider your items/losses (you don’t have to share them with anyone but God if you don’t want to), what is the cry of your heart?
  • How does your heart feel as you remember this(these) loss(es)?
  • How does this loss affect your relationships with others?
  • Where do you experience this grief/loss in your physical body?

Step 3: Finding Objects  

A parent read the following:

Now you will walk along the beach to find objects that represent the losses you have thought about or written down. 

• Walk along the beach as you consider the losses you have experienced.
• Ask for the Spirit’s help to identify a few losses that you are carrying in your heart.
• Pick up something along the way that represents each loss (shell, stone, sand..). 
• Continue walking or sit and ponder the reflection questions.
• When you feel like you have all of the objects you want find a sibling or parent and take turns praying over the objects in your hand. You don’t have to share what they represent if you don’t want to. Choose a person or a place to gather after everyone has prayed.

Step 4: Releasing the losses 

A parent pray over the losses the following:

For David when he used a lament (there are over 40 in the Bible) he would often release his sorrow to God. That is what we are going to do now.

Next as a family, we are going to carry all our losses, represented by these objects, to the edge of the water. I want you to take time with each object to notice what it looks and feels like and the loss it represents. Then look at the water and imagine that it represents the vastness of who God is – so much greater and bigger and deeper than we can even realize. When you are ready, walk as far into the water as you want and give the items one at a time to God. You may need to say a little prayer for each one and some may make you more sad than others. That’s ok, we see in the Bible that even Jesus cried when he was sad about his friend dying. This doesn’t mean we will forget who or what these losses are or the pain we feel but it is a reminder that God can hold both us and our losses all at the same time. Now, let’s go to the water and let God hold all of these things.  

Step 5: A Statement of Trust and debrief

A parent read the following:

After coming back from the edge of the water, gather together in a place without too many distractions. You may be on the beach or nearby but make sure you do this step. Talk about these discussion questions:

[Parent note, don’t read out loud: remember there is no right or wrong aspect to this activity. Simply affirm and notice whatever is shared with an empathetic response, like, that is a hard loss, thank you for sharing. Be sure as parents to share in an age-appropriate way what your losses are and what it was like for you since that will normalize the experience.]

• How was this experience for you? 
• What was most difficult?
• What was it like to drop your losses into the sea?
• Would anyone like to share what their losses were? 

Often when David wrote a lament he would end with a statement of trust in God like this one from earlier:

Would anyone like to offer a prayer or share any statements of trust in God? When the time is finished one of the parents prays over each child or teen out loud and allows a child or teen to also pray over the parents.

Creating a Lament

A lament helps us expose all the stuff that we have tried to hide and share it with God. This is a good way to start telling your story and releasing painful memories. As it becomes more comfortable for you to share it privately with God, creating a lament can lead to sharing your story with another person when you are ready.

There are many examples of laments in the Bible. Trauma after trauma happened to the nation of Israel as a community (wars, captivity, displacement, famines) as well as to individuals (abuse, abandonment, war, murder). Many of them found comfort in bringing their pain to God. They had an honest way of speaking to God where they poured out their complaints to him, sometimes even as they declared their trust in him. There are over 40 laments in the book of Psalms (making it the most common type of psalm). Laments have the elements below in them but they must have a complaint to be a lament. It is helpful to also have a review of God’s faithfulness and a vow of trust in God.

Parts of a Lament

• Address to God.
• Review of God’s faithfulness in the past.
• Complaint. (must have this)
• Confession of sin / Claim of innocence.
• Request for help
• God’s response.
• Vow to praise / statement of trust in God.

Examples Psalms 142, Habakkuk 3:17-18, Psalms 130, Psalms 13. Here is Psalm 13 and the parts of a lament in it. This might help you in creating your own.

1. How much longer will you forget me, Lord? Forever? How much longer will you hide yourself from me? 2. How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night? How long will my enemies triumph over me? 3. Look at me, O Lord my God, and answer me. Restore my strength; don’t let me die. 4. Don’t let my enemies say, “We have defeated him.” Don’t let them gloat over my downfall. 5. I rely on your constant love; I will be glad, because you will rescue me. 6. I will sing to you, O Lord, because you have been good to me.

Vs 1-2 Address to God and Complaint Vs 3-4 Request, Vs 5a Statement of Trust, Vs 5b-6- Vow to Praise

Take some time to write or create a lament to God. Read Psalm 13 if you need help, or think of what questions you would like to ask God about the difficult things in your life. Your lament could be a song, rap, poem, prayer, or any creative way you wish to express your inner feelings to God. It does not have to include all five parts of a lament listed above.

Transitions

Building a RAFT

This is a great activity to do especially if you have a transition coming up in the future. It is an acronym that reminds us of good steps to do with the people around us including our family members. If the weather is nice and you are already on the beach you can search the beach for items you can build a small raft with as a way of talking about this. Often water bottles or jugs can be used as well as items. Each person can draw or create their own raft before talking about the points below. 

RECONCILIATION-

Begin building your R.A.F.T. by asking yourself:

• Do any of my relationships need mending?
• Is there any unfinished business between me and someone I’m in relationship or friendship with?

This is the time to give and receive forgiveness. Bitterness and regret stemming from lack of closure and resolution inhibit good grief and adjustment to a new location. By God’s grace, seek to mend your fences! Is there a family member you need to say you are sorry to or ask forgiveness from? You can write their name on your drawing or take this time now to do that (parents included). 

AFFIRMATION-

Now is the time to thank the people who have been involved in your life:

• Affirm the relationships you have made and what they have meant to you.
• Take the time to tell people what you have learned from them and how grateful you are for them.

Try to leave as little unsaid as possible when you leave a place.

FAREWELLS-

Say good-byes to people, places, pets and possessions that have mattered to you:

• Take lots of pictures.
• Take the time to say culturally appropriate goodbyes. Some cultures require a lengthy departure process.

Particularly difficult farewells can potentially be the ones that are generally rushed or put off because of their difficult emotional dynamics. Plan ahead in order to give the farewell its due.

THINK DESTINATION-

Think and dream about where you are going and what it will be like:

• Be very honest about the expectations you have for the people and situations that you are going to. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about this transition.
• Think ahead to what scares you or excites you about where you are going. Research the realities of your destination.
• If at all possible, put concrete plans in place.

Don’t Have, Do Have

1. Give each member of the family a small stack of sticky notes (or small pieces of paper and tape).
2. On each sticky note, write one thing you like to do, something you enjoy having, or a person you love to be with (young children can draw pictures).
3. Find a window or a place on a wall that you can stick these notes to.
4. When everybody is finished, have each person share what they wrote on their sticky notes.
5. Now look at your sticky notes and find any things you no longer have, can no longer do, and people you can no longer physically be with because of your current situation. Put those sticky notes in a separate group on the window or wall. These are the things you have lost for now.
6. Give each person a chance to share the things they have lost. As you name each loss, share with your family how it makes you feel.
7. Finally, everyone should take a turn naming the things that they still have, the things they can still do, and people they love that they can still be with.

Family Connections

Activity 1: Know our roots

Before starting the genogram we need to involve the whole family. The following questions can be used to help you in this:

• Ask them how a big piece of paper they will need (A4, A3).
• Where do they want to start – with themselves, their parents etc.? Do they want help to get started? 
• Do they want to include pets, friends etc.?
• Ask each family member if they want to draw it out or paste shapes and objects?

Squares and circles are traditional shapes used in genograms where squares are men and circles are women. You can see an example below. However, kids may want to pick out shapes, pictures or drawings for each person. They can then either copy them or cut them out and glue them to their paper. Teens may want to map out their family, including their grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then, each person can draw or discuss their relationship with each relative. Invite them to create a line or picture representing the connection with each family member. There is no right or wrong answer since everyone will have different experiences with family members. When everyone is finished, talk about each person’s drawings and ask who they would like to be closer to. End by praying for the family members

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Family Shield

Family Closing Activities

The Worry Box

Goal Setting